Every Zodiac Man They Survived
A Cautionary Horoscope
We Surveyed 100 Women and Here’s What They Said:
God’s favorite toddler. He wants a medal for taking the trash out once. Will argue with you during sex just to win. Has two moods: horny or offended. Somehow both at the same time. You’ll cry, and he’ll say, “This is why I don’t open up.”
The human embodiment of “let’s just stay in.” Will ghost you for three days because he “needed to rest” after a trip to Target. Loyal, until he decides he deserves something cozier. His idea of romance? Sharing his fries. Will emotionally withdraw but still expect cuddles.
You will never be alone again and not because he’s present, but because all 43 of his personalities live with you now. He’ll flirt with a barista while telling you about his “deep fear of abandonment.” He’ll call you clingy, then cry because you didn't text back fast enough.
Says he’s sensitive and wants love, but is emotionally constipated. Weaponizes silence. Will post vague heartbreak quotes to his story and tell his mom everything. Wants a ride-or-die, but won’t respond to “can we talk?” until Mercury’s out of retrograde.
You are dating a man and his reflection. He’ll gaslight you with compliments: “You’re so lucky I chose you.” Thinks a selfie together counts as quality time. Will ignore your emotional breakdown because he’s processing a mean comment from 2014.
Gives you a PowerPoint on why you're "overreacting." Sends you a spreadsheet to end the relationship. Knows what’s wrong with everyone else but can’t admit he’s sad. Will emotionally devastate you, then wonder why you're crying when the kitchen is still messy.
So charming you won’t realize he’s been passively manipulating you since date one. Can't pick a movie, a restaurant, or a woman but still thinks he’s a great decision-maker. Will start a situationship, write poetry about you, and still say “we’re just vibing.”
Oh, baby. You thought this was love? No. This is a karmic trap set by Satan. He’ll look in your soul, rearrange your DNA and guts, ruin your life with one kiss, and then ghost you. You’ll spend months decoding his silence like it's sacred scripture. It isn’t. He’s just emotionally stunted.
The human passport stamp. You’ll fall in love over deep talks and conspiracy theories, then he’ll disappear to Bali without telling you. Believes honesty is a personality trait, not a practice. Will break your heart with a smile and a TED Talk on “freedom.”
Emotionally available once every two years. His love language is building your LinkedIn profile. Thinks “vulnerability” is a subscription service. You’ll beg for affection and he’ll say, “But didn’t I pay the electric bill?” Somehow you’ll still miss him. Don’t.
Dating him feels like being interviewed by a man who thinks he invented thoughts. So detached he’ll say “That’s interesting” while you sob. Hasn’t cried since 2003 but wants to debate the ethics of soul ties at 2 a.m. Will break up with you because he “values your evolution.”
Emotionally deep, but chronically confused. You’ll think you’re twin flames but he also thinks that about his ex, his weed plug, and probably the moon. Will write you a song instead of apologizing. Cries after sex, then says “I’m just feeling everything right now.”
And as far as the women go….
They came. They loved. They barely made it out alive.
All jokes aside…we love our men. 🤭
Comment your thoughts and experiences below
You fr nailed Scorpio and Sagittarius 😫😂